As the adage goes, “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” To many of us, this cliche expression rings true. Try to reminisce the most gruesome times one has underwent and one often recalls them as the moments they overcame adversity, and even discovered strengths they erstwhile were unaware of. But is that really? Let me present here the other side of pain - the pain that reveals one’s weaknesses, vulnerabilities and sheer helplessness.
What I write here will be highly anecdotal to personal experience of the idea of pain, but I believe it is also reflective of a greater concept of pain, the pain that makes you feel weak, small and powerless. And also the pain that shifts all your attention away so that you couldn’t think of anything else unimportant, turning your quotidian routine into a nightmare turned true.
Let us start with physical pain. As I write this, I am going through the third in a worrying series (they seem to surface monthly, seemingly characteristic of my time in the army) of intense agonies to the body that disrupt even the simplest of bodily functions. For context, I currently have a stye on my left eye that has disfigured my face to the point as if someone punched my eye in a fist fight. Pain engulfs when just under the sun, blinking, or opening my eyes when I wake up. Pockets of time when the pain is seemingly absent are rare, even in sleep. To make matters worse, this is right before a live firing shoot. Not the first time such a similar situation has befell upon me. Back in July, a lymph node accompanied swelling of my jaw. It hurt to eat or drink anything beyond simple rice or cold water. A pity indeed, as the savouring of food is one of the great passions of mankind. Further back in June, when I was confined for as close as it could get to eternity during my BMT days, an acute rash bearing worrying semblance to eczema overwhelmed my upper body. I still remember, with no fondness, the days when I screamed, cried and hugged myself because it was unbearably painful to leave my house for anything more than 10 minutes. Yes, right before outfield (it is difficult not to call myself unlucky), and had to pay a few hundred dollars for an injection to numb the pain. All destroyed the pleasures of a weekend rest, all made simple things in life so arduous, all dominated my thoughts for more than just a few days.
What have I learnt? To start with the most apparent, you realise that the world you live in which you may at once have felt free, mobile and manoeuvrable in suddenly becomes a world where everything convenient become inconvenient and even a hurdle. From waking up, to a journey from A to B, to just a casual hangout with old friends, you suddenly feel disabled. Surrounded by a sea of “normal” and “functioning” people, the “dysfunctional” self feels outright awful. You will not receive the rest you so desperately need and crave. And suddenly the world becomes against you - public facilities become inadequate, your work schedule seems outright demanding, “welfare” now serves everyone but you.
The disruption to quotidian life is further exacerbated when the pain becomes the only thing in this world you can think about, everything else unimportant. The erstwhile carefree mind, that could wander off and stray into thoughts ranging from the surreal to the analytical, becomes muted off. Now, the focus is on pain itself, nothing else really matters.
In relation to the world around, it wakes you to the reality that we are in fact really weak as mere individuals. The human species isn’t known for its humility. Human history is riddled with show after show of arrogance. Into the modern, post-industrial age, we like to believe that we are an omnipresent species, capable of ridding every inconvenience and solving any problem that comes in our way. But it is in these moments of pain and helplessness that we see our weakness revealed. You find yourself unable to do anything to provide yourself comfort and solace, and you see so many around either unable or unwilling to do anything for you. Far from being the alpha who could turn the tables in your favour as you wish, you realise how much you are actually incapable of. You feel small, constrained by not just the protocol and regulations that suddenly appear outright stupid. Why do I need to go through this silly procedure, that useless piece of crap, when I am already moaning in pain?
You feel weak. Powerless. Small. Vulnerable. Who is there for this little one? You will discover soon enough that so many of those you erstwhile assumed to be your friends and mates who would be there for you when the going gets tough actually couldn’t care less when you most need it. The realisation is starkly apparent: camaraderie on so many levels is another of those things in this world - in name only. When you are in pain, your “friends” will even take up a dismissive or ignorant stance towards your plight. Oh, it’s nothing. You’ll be fine in a jiffy. Man up, my friend, it’s nothing. Oh really. Even words of concern are minuscule and express more shock than care. You will feel isolated. I certainly did. Everyone is having so much fun while you can’t even enjoy the simple things in life. If unlucky enough, as was my path, you will be belittled for your agony. While not often the case, one must comprehend how absolutely awful it feels to have to confront both physical pain and mental isolation simultaneously.
Back to human nature, why would they care? Each for his own right? This pain definitely isn’t something they understand, let alone experience. You are confronting t alone and it is the true pain that you will find definitive, not the “shared memories” with people around you, but your own struggle, be it physical, mental or financial. Where you get to know yourself better, knowing your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Knowing how the world treats you when you mean nothing to them.
Is there a silver lining? Well, perhaps. If you are lucky, you will find one or a few people who would still remain beside your side even when you are weak, sad and impotent. The ones who value you not because you have something to show off, you have whatever achievements, or whatever “talents”. You will know yourself too in the other direction. Who do you call and ask for help or companionship when these daunting times arise? Not just any random “friend” that is for sure. But those that actually have a special place you value and they value you. A small fraction of all your soi-disant “friends” you will realise. And sometimes not the ones you will expect.
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